Separation (and returning) is a process we go through all of our lives. Though often challenging and exciting, this growth toward independence can be difficult and stressful, especially for young children. Parents and teachers working together, showing children that they trust and believe in one another, offer a foundation of support when the world suddenly seems a new and different place.

Some children are more upset by the separation from home than by the new experiences. Other children become anxious about how to cope all at once with new adults, groups of strange children, and unfamiliar surroundings. Still others make the transition to the new world with few hesitations. The following ideas may help.

I’m okay, you’re okay. It is easier to help your child through the adjustment period if you are sure the environment she is entering is a sound and sensitive one. Such confidence will make it easier for you to reassure her that she will be all right. Many children pick up their parents’ uncertainties and anxieties and persist in behavior that will either get them reassurance or cause a change in plans. Introduce your child to the teacher as a friend she trusts and show her the preschool as a place of exploration and enjoyment.

Easing in. It is helpful to plan one or two visits to the preschool with your youngster. If you suspect your child will put up a struggle or find the new experience painful, plan to spend some time with her in the class during the first few days. Ask the teacher to help you decide when it is all right to reduce the time.

Avoid mixed signals. If you react to your child’s hesitation or upset about going to preschool by offering her a reward or a bribe such as promising a special treat for good behavior, you may signal that she has cause to be upset.

Tears are understandable. Reassure your child that it is all right to cry when you miss someone you love. Remind her that you will be reunited every day and that she gradually makes new friends and gets use to things, she will not miss mom and home so painfully. Express sympathy for your child’s feelings, but don’t allow her tears to change your mind about leaving.

But please hold your tears ‘till she’s out of sight. If you are one of those parents who is tempted to cry when the little one disappears into the preschool crowd, hold on until the child is well out of sight and sound! While it is only natural to become upset at separations, a frequent reaction to such crying is irritation and anger with oneself, mainly because of feelings of helplessness in the face of your child’s tearful suffering.

But anger usually makes matters worse and may even set the stage for a power struggle. Remain calm, reassuring and stable, whatever happens. Trust your child to cope. It is usually helpful to make the good-byes short, sweet, warm and firm.

Reassurance. Always tell your child that you will return. Saying, “I will come back later” as you leave and “I came back” when you return, teaches your child that you will not abandon her. Also if someone else, such as Grandma, is picking up the child that day, please remind them of that when you leave. At the end of the day reporting on their own activities may be less important to young children than being reassured that their mother hasn’t forgotten them during their absence and has missed them. Tuck-in at bedtime is a good time to ask your child “What was the best thing about preschool today?”

Model friendship. Greeting the other parents you have met and introducing your child to their child creates a friendly environment. A wonderful way of making your child feel comfortable is inviting another child (and parent) to your home to play. Your child then looks forward to preschool and seeing her new friend.

Books that help. You Go Away by Dorothy Corey is a picture book with different examples of parents leaving and always returning. Who’s Going to Take Care of Me? By Michelle Magorian is a good book to share. Will I Have a Friend? By Miriam Cohen tackles the concerns of the first day in school. A good resource for parents is Books to Help Children Cope with Separation.